so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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