We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
