Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
