i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
