I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
