Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
