Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
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