Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
