i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
