I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
