well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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