I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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