It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
