if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize