Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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