Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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