It's like a parade of train wrecks.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
