Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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