No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
