Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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