a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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