I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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