You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
