alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
