I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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