New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
