drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
