meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
