i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
