Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize