There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
