Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
