Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
