Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
