you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
