So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
