i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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