i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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