You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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