oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
how does that bad decision feel?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize