My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
