Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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