So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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