You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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