were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
