I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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