I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
