I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
