I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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