btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
birth control should be required to get into college
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
