You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
