We need to rekindle our bromance
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
