that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
