the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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