he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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