well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
