yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
