I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
