Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
