I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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