Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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