Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
