Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize