was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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