i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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