You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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